Drowning in silence
I can’t hear even though I can a little. I guess that has given me a quiet voice. I think I might be done trying to talk to people I am so tires of not feeling heard…. its like my voice is at a frequency where people can’t hear it unless they a puppsly listening for it. Im so tired of communication. I rather be alone. Enemy though I don’t feel like being alone. Im just so tired of trying because it feels like I have to make such a hard effort 24/7. So I just thought I would come hear a write it since no one in this four seat car can hear me.
feelings
Dear Inter-webs,
I feel soo disconnected. I feel like if I leave…like it wouldn’t be a big deal. There is always someone else that can take my place.
I don’t know what the point is of saying anything else.
~ bye
tonight
setting: me and my husband in our room. me on the bed and him on the computer
me: are you playing starwars or batman?
him: starways…why whould i play batman?
me: well it sounds like batman but when i look over it looks like starwars.
him: starwars has nothing to do with batman
me: well you said cat lady and i got confussed
him: yeah it was just a lady that looked like a cat in starwars
me: still not sure
lol
today in list
- hit snooze 5 times it seems
- did a work out leg stretches, arm weights
- took a shower
- dried my hair
- ate some home made banana bread that I made a couple of days ago
- cleaned up my resume
- worked on a cover letter
- make lasagna in a crock pot
- sent in my resume and cover letter
- make more food
- wash dishes
that is it so far, maybe I’ll hang out with the hubby later. oh and it also snowed!!!!!
I guess I don’t deserve grace
Hi I know I drove through the cross walk. I know you were on your way through the crosswalk. Like I tried to say when you rudely interrupted me. I was looking a row one to far up for the crosswalk and as i realized that i was right in the middle of it when you were in it so i hurried through it so we wouldn’t collide. I’m sorry sometimes people make mistakes. Can’t we just be relived that nothing bad happend. It’s not like I went through the crosswalk and had no idea you were in it. I know my mistake and I’m really sorry…can you let me say that to you instead of interrupting Saying” no… yell yell yell.” And yes since you did interupt…yes i did just walk away from you. because No I am not going to stand there have you yell at me and not let me say anything.
people make mistakes at least let them explain themselves with out the automatic yelling.
gah.
Sorry
bulling and such
I’m kind of just fed up with being picked on. When I say, “kind of” I mean I am really just done with it. I just want a vacation from it and when I return for it to never happen again. So I guess you could say that I want it to stop forever but no I am saying that I want to have a vacation and then to be presently relived to never have to put up with it again.
hi
Happy Birthday to me…. lalala!
pickles
omg my hubby just took me to a place with fried pickles!!!! I’m in Love!!!!
OH how I missed them.
that’s what is up
~later
I know what you said, but I’m the real reason.
You know how people say children blame themselves for their parents divorce. Well I do that but whenever my parents have to move to a new church I know the “real” underling reason has to do with me. Now I know perfectly well that whenever we had to move growing up it wasn’t because of me but the little conciseness in the back of my head will always wisper in my ear telling me other wise , and that voice always partly convinces me. Now this blaming thing didn’t happen for me until about middle school when we where moving from North Dakota back to Texas. I had moved 3 times previously in my lifetime.
Now here is were I’m going to list the reason why we had to move everytime and I’ll even list the reason why my parents had to move even when I didn’t live with them or was even was apart of the church they were in at the moment. (the last part is what makes me want to push the little whispers in my head over a cliff… because there is no way it’s truth)
Move from North Dakota from Texas: My parents daughter (me) was into punk music (christian punk music fyi), she wore baggy jeans, she was rummered to smoke cigarettes ( i didn’t/ don’t and no one ever had evidence to see this other then i was using tanning products and i was skinny), she is too boycrazy ( i was boycrazy)
Move from Texas to Washington: My parents daughter (me) is too vocal about what she thinks the youth group should be more involved in ie: trouble teens lives, She doesn’t think games where you tell who your Hollywood crush is an appropriate game for youth leader meeting (it isn’t especially for a supposid God focused group and it’s call lust), She is boycrazy (by this time not really), She also isn’t very good at school.
When we moved to Washington I lived there a year so people did know me but I then moved to Oregon to go to school so I’m no longer apart of my parents moving.
Move from Washington to another place in Washington: My parents had to move because their daughter never fit in with their popular kids and never attended their after high school group called acts. Also, she liked punk music and didn’t hang out with the church kids. ( on a side note I would have hung out with those kids but they were so clickish) …Also, something about those people liking my brother more then me.
My parents move from 2nd Washington place to Texas: In my head the reason for this move is because the lead pastor didn’t want to be the officiant for my wedding and the only way he felt he could get out of it was to be a not so nice word and person to my dad. Also, this was probably fueled by my answer to his question “Why do you want me to be the officient and not your dad?” I said, ” Because I don’t want my dad to have to work on my wedding day… I just want him to be my dad.”.
and that is what goes on inside my head. I don’t know why, but sometimes they seem so true.
later
hopes and dreams
Some day I would like to adopt a child from Dubai or Hattie. I’m trying to start researching everything my husband and I will need to do when the time comes. I’m currently trying to decided if I should actually start talking to adoption agencies now of if it is too early for that. I’m (we) aren’t planning on kids for about 3 more years. so we have time I just want to be ready. For instance I know that sometimes the different countries have requirements like staying in the country for a year before you take the child home and such.
well that’s what is up with me.
~later
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