I’m not to sure what to do with this…

Last night right before I went to sleep, I received a message on facebook from a friend who is a guy(we’ll call him PJ) I knew from high school.

the jist:

He was apologizing for lashing out at me on myspace and telling me not be his friend basically if  I wanted to just talk about other people. but that he has felt terrible for doing that because I’ve always been nice to him and such and our mutual friend RIP would not like how he was acting to me.

Just to ketch ya’ll up.

About a year and a half ago I messaged him (PJ) on myspace asking him what some of our other friends from high school were up to.

He messgaed me and said ” I notice you keep takin me off your friend list. If you dont want to be my friend then why bother talking to me.”

Our other mutual friends from high school are guys so I don’t know if he(PJ) just said this to me because he didn’t want to talk about a guy that wasn’t him or what. He (PJ)also mentioned in the response that I had not kept ignoring his friend requests  and was still messaging him.

The thing is with my list of “friends” on those sites is this:

  • I disliked high school maybe because the whole time i was just the new girl
  • maybe it was because the guys were really mean (obversely not the guys I’m talking about in this post)
  • perhaps it’s because when I think about that specific place lets call it wink I get this really HUGE butterfly in my stomach, my eyes slightly water, my face gets really hot and all I want to do is punch something. (it’s not a good feeling)
  • if you look at my list of friends there are next to no one from high school on it and i do that on purpose

All of these reasons make me want to just ignore that part of my life and the people in them.

On top of that right before I moved a close friend to both me and PJ passed away…and not in a good way…in a violent way that gives me nightmares and makes me not want to drive at night.

for this reason alone I have a desire to continue letting PJ be in my life but also I have this really strong reaction to turn around and not look because the emotions are so overwhelming. It just feels better to not think about what happened… but then I feel really bad because I feel like I’m just abandoning PJ and our friend RIP would not appreciate that to much.

Anyways, Last night when I saw PJ’s email out of the blue. When I saw him mention RIP. My eyes teared up and I really wanted to tell him that I forgive him and I wanted to tell him about why I had been acting so weird with the friends request. but every  time this morning when I go to message him back I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if he will understand. Plus, there are tons of questions I have but I don’t want to be yelled at again.

I also don’t want to scroll done my friends list and be reminded of RIP.

I don’t know what to do right now but I do know that I will eventually message him back.

hopefully he will let me ask as many questions as I want?

later~

February 10, 2010. Tags: , , , , , . evil high school, old friends. Leave a comment.